The word single is defined as only one; not one of several or unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.
After being single for almost 10 years, I’ve experienced the good, bad, and the ugliness of the entire process. I’ve wrestled and fought with it but I think I finally understand what it is about. I was in a committed relationship for about four or five years. It all started in 2005 and crashed and burned the summer of 2010. With that being my first and only real relationship my process of singleness has been crazy. I was so distraught when we broke up. I did many things that I shouldn’t have to cope with being alone instead of intentionally healing from it.
That’s right, I was out here wilding. Looking for the one in EVERYONE. Had a couple one night stands. Got into a two-year situationship. Lets be real, I was accepting whatever just to have someone or something. I am here to tell you, DONT BE LIKE ME! Learn from my mistakes and grab a snack to go with this TEA!
All Lessons no L’s
Now that I’m wiser and that I’ve had time to reflect on my experiences and the word, I have a new approach to this single life. After 8 years of battling with myself and settling, I realized that the void that I was trying to fill can only be filled by God and loving MYSELF more. I wasn’t happy with anything or anyone because I couldn’t find happiness in myself. I wasn’t seeking God to comfort me in my loneliness and desperation I was looking for people or things to make me feel better.
First things first you must understand that SINGLENESS IS A GIFT and you have to learn to enjoy the process. If you can’t find happiness within yourself then you won’t find happiness at all, PERIOD. As long as you are unhappy with yourself even the most perfect man wont be able to step in and make you happy. You have come into this season for a reason!
Use this time to focus on YOU, GOD, and to reflect. Do not rush into another relationship, give yourself time to heal and be alone so that you don’t become bitter, broken, and in a situation that does not serve you. Believe me, sis, I’ve done it and I’m still healing from it, so I’m talking from experience this isn’t my opinion.
After moving to Miami, away from my family, friends, and old flames I wasn’t even sure what made me happy. Everything was different and I was in a completely uncomfortable headspace, so I just craved something familiar to help me get through it all. Long story short, that’s exactly what I settled for and it only deepened my emotional wounds and caused more batteling in my mind. Even right now I’m still healing, learning and growing however, my perspective on being single or alone has changed.
Having the wrong perception of singleness can be very dangerous. It can change your character and lead you to believe many lies about yourself if you allow it to.
You start experiencing a few of these thoughts and emotions:
-Loneliness (I need somebody in my lifffeee sis, I hate sleeping alone *drake voice*)
-Rejected (Nobody wants me girl, I am not to be loved)
-Scared (Its gonna be me and my designer bags when I get old, I’ll be single forever. I refuse to be hurt again!)
-Bitter (All these niggas are the same, I’m being punished)
-Lack of Self-worth (I’m not worthy of love because I’ve done so much in the past!)
-Lose sense of self (I don’t know who I am anymore)
Don’t believe the negativiTEA sis, these things couldn’t be farther from the truth ok. When I was thinking these thoughts, I should have been reaching for my bible and looking for a word on how to be alone instead I reached for something that I could see physically. As you can see that ain’t how it works. I had to sit back and ask myself, Nuee… what does God say about being single? What does he say we should do during this time?
That’s what God said
In Matthew 19:11 God says that it is good for those to whom it has been given. In 1 Corinthians 7:7 Paul refers to it as a gift, stating that single people are relieved of the troubles of marriage such as considering another person in our decisions, how we spend our time, holidays, all the way down to what will be on the menu for dinner. He aint never lied!
The word also says that we should use this time to devote ourselves to Gods work. 1 Corinthians 7:32-34 “An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs-how can he please the Lord.” “In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is- and I think that I too have the spirit of God” 1 Corinthians 7:40, yall don’t have to believe me but you better believe this word!
Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of being single (being lonely, feeling unwanted, fear, rejection etc) we need to make the most of the advantages of this gift while we have it.
On the bright side, now that you’ve been through the mud you know what you can and cannot accept and what you will and WILL NOT tolerate moving forward. Use this time to create boundaries and alighn your actions and how you treat yourself and others accordingly so that you attract what you want, WHEN ITS TIME FOR BAE! Not a second earlier.
Being single is hard sometimes but if you can’t enjoy your own company how can anyone else? With that being said, this process is MANDATORY and you probably won’t be happy with yourself or anyone else until you shift your mindset about your situation. To overcome those negative thoughts and emotions you have to step out of your feelings and into your bag! Hell, date yourself! Figure out what you like, take yourself out, work on your craft, tap into your talents, spend more time with God, figure out your purpose and what he’s calling you to do.
You can be single and happy. You can and you WILL attain the relationship and the love that you truly desire. YOU ARE WORTHY regardless of your past! You can change the way you are currently experiencing the single life if you are willing to change your mind about your situation.
Change your mind, CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
What can I learn from this? Instead of why am I going through this.
What can I do to make myself happy and enjoy my own company? Instead of thinking you need someone else to be happy.
Am I allowing God to join me on this journey? Instead of leaving him out, neglecting him, and thinking that he has forgotten about you cancel out the noise and ask God to comfort you and be with you.
Until next time yall…
Peace, Love, and PositiviTEA!
Be sure to follow us on the gram for a daily dose of PositiviTEA @TheNuesstand / @Sincerely.Sharmaine